Adapting to new places, as compared with the Hunger Games

            The past few days (and coming days I foresee), have been filled with cleaning and organizing of the home, so nothing very new to report here. However, when pondering what to post about, it came to me that I have received many questions, and had many conversations, on the topic of adapting and how to get used to and comfortable in a new place.

            I have been asked how we’re “adjusting” to new life and I’ve had conversations with women who told me it took them quite a while to get used to the town/home/base, let alone feel happy and comfortable here. One woman in particular I found rather astonishing. She has already been here for three years and said she only just became happy and adjusted here. She told me how she had been very depressed and didn’t like it here and how she had missed her family, etc etc. Three years later she was finally comfortable and is now sad that they leave in less than year! I was rather sad listening to her story, and my head could only come up with one thing in response, “gee, you wasted three years of your life” (don’t worry, I didn’t say this to her out loud).

            These conversations and questions led me to some introspection, and I concluded that I couldn’t recall a time where I had difficulty “adapting” to a new environment I had moved to. I then attempted to break down what exactly it is that I do that makes me feel comfortable and adapted in a new place. From these grew the topic for this blog post, and the next few that will follow.

Mind you, I am by no means claiming to be an expert, but I have found that I don’t have much trouble adapting and some others seem to, so I decided to share the strategy that helps me, and hope that it will also be of some help to others so they don’t waste three years of their lives feeling depressed, alone, uncomfortable, and essentially, not adapted.

Following I have listed two elements I believe to be key in successfully adapting to your new surroundings, and the sub categories/steps that I think are involved with them.

A)   Incentive/motivation

1)   A change in mentality/High Stakes

B)   Competition

1)   Territory

2)   Resources

3)   Alliances

4)   Culture

5)   Home Base

Part 1: Finding your incentive/motivation

I believe without this, you won’t get far. If you simply put “adapt to new environment” on your to-do list, it will continually be put on the back burner. You need incentive and high stakes to motivate you to achieve your goal.

Under A) Incentive/Motivation, I believe the first step needed is a change in mentality. This is because you need motivation to adapt, and motivation comes from within. People can offer incentives for things, but it’s up to you personally to accept or decline them as your motivation. I was on swim teams for many years when I was younger, and the first place winner always received a blue ribbon, though there were different colored ribbons awarded all the way up to 12^th place. I was very fast, and thus had plenty of blue ribbons, but this did not excite me. I had a wall full of blue ribbons, and although blue is my favorite color, I thought it would be much more fun to have a rainbow colored wall composed of the ribbons. After deciding this, I signed up for events I didn’t excel in, and would often glance to my left and right during a race to see where I was compared to swimmers in other lanes so I could either slow down or speed up to get the place I wanted. By the end of the season I hadn’t gotten every place/ribbon offered, but I came pretty darn close, and my wall had colored mixes of pink 6^th places to bright yellows and deep greens (deep green happened to be a participant ribbon). My rainbow wall made me happy in a way a wall of solid blue could not. The colors motivated me, whereas the “1^st” in gold letters on the blue ribbon likely motivated other swimmers. The same motivation does not work for everyone, and you must find yours. That motivation is from within, so it’s your mind and mentality that will be your drive. Following are three different types of thinking that have helped to motivate me.

I can recall going to camp in third grade and watching other little girls bawl from homesickness, after being parted from their parents, after less than 6 hours… “Really?” I thought to myself. “You saw them this morning, like you see them every morning all year long!” And camp was only 4 days long at that age. It wasn’t like we were going to boarding school and not going to see them for months at a time. I couldn’t understand it then, and I still struggle to understand that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and I often miss their presence when they’re not around, but I never understood the value of the moping, depression, and self-pity others seemed to put themselves through.

Perhaps it’s because money meant more in my family. My mentality was telling me that my parents had sent me to camp this year, I may not get to go next year as it would be one of my sibling’s turns. This was my opportunity, this was my shot! Why waste their money, their/my time, or whatever it is on self-pity?  So as the other girls cried and called home, I went out and played flashlight tag, knowing my parents didn’t send me to camp so I could sit in a cabin and blubber.

For some of you, this mentality will work. The idea that you’re wasting precious time or money by wallowing in self-pity might be enough to get some people going. For others, the guilt trip might work best. I know that for every opportunity I pass by, there is someone out there who wishes they’d been given such an opportunity. For the woman who spent three years here, not adapted and unhappy, there are loads of people who wish they’d be given just one year (or less!) to live in Italy and experience all it has to offer. How dare you waste the opportunity that others would so willingly take for you!? So if the guilt trip mentality motivates you, use that one.

The last one I recommend is likely the one that will work best and apply to the majority of people. People are selfish beings, so thinking of yourself and what you can get out of a situation will likely motivate you most. So, think of it as life or death; YOUR life or death. Your happiness, your comfort, your survival is on the line. If you don’t adapt, you will fail and die. (Okay, “dying” might be a little extreme, but this woman spent three years in a depression, unhappy and wishing she weren’t here. She certainly wasn’t living, was she?)

This is where the Hunger Games starts to come in (as well as the “high-stakes” sub category). When dropped in the Hunger Games, their situation was life or death, very high stakes! But high stakes are what motivate people. If you lost a wallet with only $5 in it, you’re not likely to spend much time searching for it. However, if you lost a wallet given to you by your spouse, containing hundreds of dollars, pictures of deceased loved ones, ALL your important credit/debit cards in it, and heck, let’s throw in your original social security card too, you’d be highly motivated to find out what happened to it, wouldn’t you? Raising the stakes increases your motivation and thus following, your actions. If you’re not motivated to adapt, you’re not going to.

The more that is at stake, the more motivated you will be in your actions. So how do you raise the stakes in your situation? To raise the stakes of a situation, you must have more on the line, you must increase the importance, the danger, the cost, the risks, the considerations involved, etc. This is why I say to make something life or death, it raises the stakes some doesn’t it? For me, I know that my adapting affects my family, both my husband and my soon-to-be child. How much better will they also be able to adapt if I adapt well? I will be able to help them adapt and their happiness and well-being should increase along with my own.

Part 2: Competition

Like you had to find your motivation, I believe you must also find competition. People thrive with competition, it’s everywhere, from small-scale tests in school to large scale Olympic games; competition motivates people to try harder and to prove themselves.

When I moved here to Italy, finding competition was easy. Since there are always people moving in and out of bases, it is easy to find people starting at the same place as myself. The same was true when going to college or camp as a child, everyone arrives at the same place at the same time. But what if you don’t have that natural pool of competition? That’s okay, pick someone who has been around for awhile. No, that’s not a fair race, they have a huge head start, but hey, that raises the stakes doesn’t it? You’re competing against someone who has already been around and now you have to work double time to catch up. You can also compare with their past if you find it too difficult to compete with them in the present. Talk to them and learn about their history. I could compete with that woman I talked to. She may have been here three years longer than me, but based on the information she told me, I’m quite sure I’m more adapted at one month than she was at 6 months, possibly more. The key thing here, is the need to find someone to compare yourself with.

If there really is no one to compare yourself with, you’re going to have to compete all by yourself and with yourself. Some people do this when they lose weight. They can join groups and compete, er sorry, I mean encourage each other in weight loss, or they can do it alone as an individual. If someone were to lose weight by themselves, what would they do? They’d likely have a goal that sounds something like: lose x amount of lbs by a certain date. So do this for yourself if you are competing alone.

Have a time of your own for introspection and analyze the things that make you feel well adapted in a place. Is it having a best friend that you can call up and hang out with at anytime? Is it knowing the area so well you don’t require maps or a GPS and could give directions to someone new? Is it being a regular at a store or restaurant so they know you and your wants before you even speak them? Figure out what makes you comfortable and happy, figure out the steps to achieve these things, and coordinating deadlines. Voila, your competition and game plan.

            I believe that there are 5 main areas that require your focus in order for you to feel well adapted in your new area. Since we have determined that this is a competition, these are the areas you will be competing for success in. They are:

1)   Territory

2)   Resources

3)   Alliances

4)   Culture

5)   Home Base

I feel like I’ve done enough yabbering for one post, so I intend to make mini posts about each of the areas of competition in the following days and compare them with the Hunger Games, since they seem to fit well together and are an excellent life or death scenario.

Please feel free to comment with your thoughts or criticisms on this matter, concerning what I’ve written, your struggles or successes in adapting and what makes you feel like you’ve adapted to a new place, or whatever else.

Moving into our house!

Part 1: Turning on the Gas

One of the things preventing us from moving into our new house and progressing on that front was that the gas was off. Without the gas being on, FMO (the Furnishing Management Office) on base would not move our furniture in. So our first step was to make an appointment with the gas company. They emailed us (AND called us) giving us the three-hour time slot two weeks out in which they would show up. We could make little progress on our house until this appointment was completed, so we were left waiting out the two weeks carrying out other chores. The gas company said we have to be out by our meter for the appointment, and that if the gas man drives by and doesn’t see us, he will continue on to his next appointment and we will have to reschedule. (Which obviously would mean another 1-2 weeks before we’d get another try)

You don’t get to pick your time slot, they choose for you, and unfortunately the time they chose happened to be when Troy was at a mandatory briefing. So guess what lucky pregnant lady was left with the 3-hour task of waiting for the gasman? Oh, and the forecast was scheduled with an 80% chance of rain. Awesome! And despite the fact that I had the foresight to pack my raingear in my duffle, I had failed to predict that none of it would zip up at the moment…

Our meter, like most others, is right on the roadside, so it is impossible to sit under the porch and shelter of the house at the top of the driveway and wait, as the gasman would not see me as he speeds by in true Italian style driving. Fortunately Troy’s briefing ended hours early and he texted me half and hour before I left for the appointment saying he could come with me. The rain, although it had poured all morning, had stopped just in time for the appointment and would only leak a drop or two sporadically from there on out. It was much easier to have company as we waited for the gasman. We packed a lunch and had ourselves a picnic, and since there was no rain we could read and fill out forms without fear of them getting wet. We spent the beginning of our time composing a birth plan for the hospital.

Two hours out our landlords insisted I come in from the cold, so I had to abandon Troy to stand at the meter by his lonesome. However just after I brought him a cup of hot tea of the landlords only minutes later, the gas man showed up and switched on the gas. It took him about 5 minutes, he also walked through the house to make sure it was on, Troy signed some forms and was free to join me upstairs with the landlords. Every time we go over to the house the landlords insist on us visiting and on feeding us. Nearly every time we are offered tea and biscotti to dip into it. I believe this must be an Italian thing and I made note that I need to get such things to offer people when they come to visit. They also nearly always have fresh bread and cheese. The landlord said he goes out daily to get his fresh loaf of bread.

Part 2/3: Receiving FMO and Unaccompanied Baggage

The following Friday was the main day for moving in. FMO was going to bring over some furnishings as we had the gas turned on, the internet man was coming to set up the internet, and our Unaccompanied Baggage shipment was going to be released from storage and brought over. All three of those things were “all day appointments” where one has to sit around all day wondering when they will show, however since we were fortunate enough to be able to schedule them all the same day, it meant we only had to do it once and not 3 separate days. 

My DH, filling out the house condition on the inspection forms. I followed him from room to room and took pictures of the conditions we found. Paint chips, cracks on walls, etc. 

A shot of our empty living room, the left side of it with doors opening to the yard. 

The rest of the living room, possibly going to end up as a dining room. We are glad the house gets so much light naturally, less artificial lighting needed!

A shot of the kitchen before FMO came with the appliances. 

Part of our bedroom. We are quite lucky to have built-in mini closets, very few Italian homes have closets or anything embedded in the walls like you see above.

The first group that arrived was our “Unaccompanied Baggage”. When you PCS (change bases) you are allowed two shipments, the first is Unaccompanied Baggage. There is a specific list of things you are allowed to place in this shipment and you are only allowed 500 lbs tops. (At least, I believe that’s it for everyone, higher ranks might possibly have a bit more, but I don’t think so). Immediate needs are basically the things one puts in this shipment as it’s supposed to get there soonest. We put all of our kitchen supplies in there, as we knew that food is a priority and terribly expensive if you can’t cook things for yourself. We also put some baby stuff in it, like the basinet, clothes, diapers, etc. Our bikes were also in the shipment as well as a few other things we thought would be useful.

Things for future note or other air force wives: sheets, pillows, and blankets! The base lends you a spare bed until your real one arrives, but it’s a frame and a mattress, we did not think to bring a sheet set for it and refuse to buy another just for the next few weeks, but we happened to have some spare blankets to lay down in place of them. But in the future we’ll put our own spare sheet set in the expedited shipment.

I was anxious to see how our items would arrive; I’ve heard horror stories of missing and severely damaged items arriving at locations. However, I had spent the months up to our move preparing for this. Based on the advice of other wives, I had inventoried EVERYTHING we owned. A detailed inventory, as in I had the measurements, brand, cost, and pictures to accompany each item. We then purchased plastic bins from the store and packed everything ourselves. The office on base will tell you this is unnecessary, as they come with their own packing tools and supplies. However, they arrive only with brown paper, and they will wrap your stuff and crinkle the paper in an attempt to add protective padding, but it is far from fail proof. And in the chaos of packing you can’t keep track of what goes where. There will be men in every room of your house selecting and shoving random items into boxes.

My hubby and I, (well, mostly me cuz he was at work most days), packed the plastic tubs, wrapping each item in newspaper, bubble wrap, or best, our own clothes and towels, as they are soft, offer superior padding, and need to be packed anyway! I made files in my computer listing what went in each bin, copy and pasting the previously noted details and accompanying pictures. The bins were then sealed and labeled: Kitchen Bin #1, Baby Room Bin #1, etc. Now when they unpack the massive brown boxes, they simply pull out a bin, place it in the proper room, and leave. Without this system they unpack everything in one room and would pull out all the random things they packed themselves and place them in your living room and you are then left to sort and organize and haul things from room to room, also not knowing if everything made it because you have no detailed inventory.

My Hubby and I watching them unload our shipment. Notice the squished box in the middle there, yup, that's one of our bikes. It was missing pieces, but we were able to find some later in their truck. My bike's going to need some TLC before I can ride it again... 

As they unloaded, I pulled up my document/inventory and sat at the entrance to our house. I had them unpack the large brown boxes on our porch, pull out the bins, and give me the names on the labels. Once I had crossed it off of my list they were free to take it inside to the appropriate room. (they are not required to unpack personally packed bins, but that was more than fine by me!) This system work well and it was organized and systematic. When things were found missing they happened to find another box in their truck. (They had boxes for many families they were delivering to that day, so we couldn’t have assumed the whole truck was for us, but without the inventory it would have been difficult to recall how much we were supposed to receive as we had packed it two months previous)

One of our casualties, but everything inside of it was unbroken! I am quite convinced that the bins were the way to go, even if this one didn't make it, it still added extra protection and took the blow other items would have been dealt without it's presence. The bins gave a firm structure to put things in, rather than randomly shoving them in massive brown boxes which are piled any which way, squishing each other. 

After they had unpacked everything and I had approved it from my inventory they left. We had two other casualties, the Brita Filter Jug was cracked and broken and a glass jar broke. These happened to be things that they packed, as they said we were far under the weight limit and could stick in more, they grabbed some random items from the kitchen that weren’t pre-packed into my bins… and that’s what became of them. Luckily they weren’t important.

Shortly after FMO arrived. The furnishings management office loans people over seas furniture for their stay. Few homes in Italy come with refrigerators, stoves, washers, or dryers, so they will loan you all of that. By chance, we didn’t get hand me downs from previous military members, but brand new appliances! They were cutting off the shrink-wrap around the stove and placing in shiny new parts. I was so excited! All the appliances, save for the microwave, were brand new. They also loan wardrobes, at least, that’s what they call them. I didn’t take a picture because I find them hideous, but I’ll get one up here at some point. They look like massive brown lockers, but due to the fact that there are no closets in Italian homes, there is nowhere to store items or hang clothes. These items we are allowed to keep for however many years we are here, then they also have temporary loan items, such as the bed and night stand, which are only ours until our own arrive in the second shipment of goods.

We ate lunch with our landlords, who gave us bread and cheese, a bean soup, and some pasta. The landlord is really quite wonderful and was down at our place helping movers move things and translating for movers with poor English. He also provided many adaptors for us as my hubby and I are still getting accustomed to the various plugs and outlets here and were uncertain which ones we needed to buy.

                                                                    Part 4: Getting Internet!

The last item of the day was the Internet man. (NOW we can really move in! haha) He came and installed the Internet and it worked fantastically! I’ve heard from so many others that they weren’t able to get someone to set up their Internet for months, and when they did, it was dreadfully slow. We discovered this is because our landlords (who don’t even use internet or computers) had the very best installed at our house; “It’s Fiber Optica” the landlord kept telling us excitedly. We nodded and smiled, not entirely sure what the big deal was. Later we learned most every else around these parts have antenna. Since ours was already installed, it merely had to be checked and turned on, so despite only making the appointment the day before, they were able to come and turn on the Internet for us the very next day.

                                                                   Part 5: Cleaning :P

We still don’t get to move in until February 1^st, as that’s when the payment cycle and everything begins, but we’ve started! We’ve since spent nearly every day over there cleaning the place in preparation for unpacking and moving in. You may have noticed the dirty floors in the first picture. The place needs extensive cleaning, even though we took it over from another tenant, he was a guy by himself and obviously didn’t clean house…

Spiders on the ceiling in the hall... and this is just one section. They are everywhere!!!

We still have a lot of work left to do, but each day we come closer to actually living there. We can’t wait to get out of the hotel/temporary lodging and have our own place and be able to cook real meals! (We are currently eating sandwiches for 2 meals a day and cold cereal for the other meal… we’re ready for some meat and veggies!) Until then, we are counting down till February 1st!