I apologize, for it has been
approximately 1.5 months since I last posted. So… not a single time yet this
year have I posted :S It has really been a lovely break though, and I am ready
to get back into the blogging groove. Although I write this post mid-February,
it pertains to January so I have it “published” under a January date above.
In early
January I went in for a CT scan. The previous scan I took was done at an
Italian hospital however during my doctor appointment with the head surgeon,
she informed me that over Christmas they received all the necessary machines to
perform CT scans there on the base. Due to my past experiences with tests on
base, I was rather disappointed that I wouldn’t get to go off base and have it
performed by Italians. All number of thoughts ran through my head, none were
terribly optimistic. “Oh dear, I’m going to be the guinea pig for their new
machine…” was the main one I recall.
My husband
was set to have the morning off so he could watch our little one, however the
afternoon before my test he texted me to say that they told him they needed him
the next morning and he couldn’t watch the munchkin during my tests. (Ah the
military… they will take any plans you make and crumple them up. My friend’s
husband was told that he needed to deploy THE NEXT MORNING and that it would
only be for two weeks. He was gone for six months and his poor wife had only
hours to prepare for his departure. I digress…) I hopped on facebook and
scrolled through the list of friends and pondered whom I should beg to take my
child last minute. As it would happen, a recently made friend of mine had just
messaged me to say that she had been praying for me and would love to watch our
little one if I ever needed. I chuckled and replied back asking her if the next
morning worked, and it turns out she was free! (How fantastic is that!? A
friend, whom had never messaged me before, offered to watch my LO the same hour
my hubby texted saying he could not. I am sure God orchestrated this! A potentially very stressful situation was
avoided. Yay!)
The day I was scheduled to do my CT
scan, Tuesday, Jan 14th, I arrived at radiology and checked in. I
met the two techs who were to perform and they were great guys who were very
excited to be here in Italy. It turns out that they were transferred from North
Dakota JUST for the sake of this machine. Getting assigned to Italy was like a
dream come true. I was happy for them.
They walked
me out to the machine. The machine is supposed to be deployable, so it was
located in a trailer outside of the hospital itself. We exited the building in
the pouring rain, and walked along the small covered walkway to the trailer.
The floor panels were uneven and he directed me on what to do. “You can change
over there,” he said, pointing to a corner with a large see-through folding
partition screen covering it. Really now? What was the point of the screen if
it was see through!? Thanks… Then he said I could go and lay on the table that
went through the machine. “I don’t have to drink anything first?” I asked,
recalling the nasty concoction that was dubiously measured the last time I did
this procedure. He insisted not. The whole thing took much longer than it did
the first time around, and I was relieved when it was done and I could leave.
One of the
techs escorted me out and said that they were just reading my file (oh is that
why I laid there for eons? hah) and was fascinated with what we were doing and
curious to know how successful the holistic treatments had been. “We’re about
to find out!” I said.
I asked the
surgeon when the results would get back to me, as the Italian results had taken
weeks. She looked through her schedule and saw that the head radiologist would
be in the day of my tests. “I can have him read them that day and then call me.
We can know the results the same day as your test.” Oh my goodness, that was
exciting and nerve wracking! I told her to feel free to give me a call when she
knew, ESPECIALLY if it were good news!
As I left
my testing appointment my friend messaged me to let me know that Adam had
fallen asleep on her and she was loving it, so I shouldn’t rush back.
Hallelujah! I instead went home and took a detox bath. I drew a hot bath and
poured in various essential oils as well as Epsom salts and ground ginger. I
then soaked for 40 minutes while I munched my salad and read my Bible. It was
peaceful and amazing!
Sadly, I didn’t receive a call from
the surgeon that day. Nor the next day… By Thursday I was starting to feel
grumbly and wonder if I ought to call them. I knew I was the most severe case
they had there, likely the only cancer patient, as cancer patients were
typically sent to the states for chemo and procedures our small base hospital
couldn’t accommodate; why was it taking so long to read the results!? Then the
depressing feeling of, “It must be bad news”, started to cross my mind. I had
told her she was free to call me, and that I would especially appreciate it if
it were good news to know as soon as possible.
Friday
morning her receptionist called and said that she wanted to make an appointment
with me to “discuss” the results. My heart sank. Discuss? She wasn’t going to
call me and say hey, things have improved, keep up all the hard work! Then it
must be bad. We made an appointment for the following week.
I spent the
weekend feeling rather lost. No improvement? What now? Five months of intense
holistic treatments, hours a day spent doing various things and my meager
vegetable only diet along with fervent prayers and now it was worse? My hubby and
I discussed what to do and he stated that his desire was not for me to do any
chemo or radiation. I was along the same line of thinking. If this were the
end, then this was the end. We both knew orthodox treatments were not for me.
I had started letters to Adam, one
for each year of his life to open on his birthdays, and some for special
occasions like graduations and his wedding. I had scattered drafts, so I
restarted with new energy thinking that this was it, this was my last
opportunity to tell him all I wanted him to know as he went along his life. It
was exhausting and depressing to think that he could spend all 24 hours of the
day with me (literally, as he even sleeps in our bed!) and never leave my side
for a year straight, but he would have no recollection of me should I die. Who of
you readers out there recall anything before the age of one? I don’t think I
recall anything before the age of three… I had to tell him all of whom I was
and how much I loved him and hope that he would know me just a little bit and
how special he is in these few letters I planned to leave him.
I had also
started various letters to my DH, and also drafted a letter to “Her”. Yes, I
pulled a card from “Safe Haven” and decided to draft “Her” a letter. My DH
would remarry someday; at least, I should hope he would. Everyone needs a
somebody, and Adam would need a mother, even if it didn’t get to be me. I
wanted to tell her how thankful I was for her, and how I had been praying for
her since I knew of the possibility that someone else might finish the job I
started with my DH.
With these
thoughts and activities in mind, Monday night before my appointment was a
rather somber one. My DH wouldn’t be going with me, as the military seems to be
ever short handed lately, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go to my appointment
either! I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear how bad it was; perhaps I would be
better off blissfully ignorant.
I went to
the appointment though, and as the surgeon came out to retrieve me from the
waiting hall, I noticed there was a cast on her right arm. “Oh my, what happened?!”
I asked her. She began to tell me of the fall she took off her porch and how
she had been out of the office and unable to perform surgeries and as such she
was reorganizing the schedules or sending people to Italian hospitals etc etc.
As she talked, a spark of hope flared up within me. “She’s been gone!? Maybe
that is why she didn’t call me!?”
And folks
guess what, SHE DID HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR ME! I had also had blood drawn a few
weeks back and those results were also in. Hooray! The blood tests were for my
thyroglobulin levels. She explained that since I had Metastasized Papillary
Thyroid Cancer, that the cancer that had spread to other locations would
contain bits of thyroid tissue. Since they removed my thyroid, there should be
very low levels of thyroglobulin. If there were a spike/increase in levels,
that would be bad since I HAVE NO THYROID. That would indicate that thyroid
tissue in other locations (so, cancer) was acting up and spreading. The tests
showed that my levels were low. YES!
Then on to
the CT scan. She said the spot previously seen on my lungs 5 months prior,
could not be found on the CT scan from last week (Praise the Lord!). So there
was the good news. However, she said that the swollen lymph nodes in my neck
were still there (which I knew, as I could feel them) and that the mass in my
chest had not changed in size. It had neither grown, nor shrunk, so the
condition was deemed “stable”. This was not an option I had considered, stable?
I had figured everything would either have gotten better, or worse, and had not
considered what I would do if things were precisely the same.
However,
the other results were good news and certainly improvement. The doc said that
the results could mean one of two things:
1) that what we have been doing is working and has kept the cancer from
growing/spreading and possibly reducing, as in the case of my lung. or 2) that
it's possible I don't have cancer and the mass is actually a cluster of swollen
lymph nodes. Lymph nodes are known to be in that region, but the only way to be
absolutely sure would be to go in, break the breastbone and surgically remove
them, which is not an option we wanted to do... They could also do a biopsy on
the lymph nodes in my neck, but biopsies can often lead to more questions than
answers, and the last time I got a biopsy the results were inconclusive and
surgery was “recommended” in order to get more information. I decided that a
biopsy would not be a very beneficial course of action.
She mentioned that in the case of the mass, perhaps it was a
misdiagnosis, and I had something else coincidentally at the same time. I don’t
know, either way I’m claiming divine healing! I had been praying that I didn’t
have cancer, so even if whatever is there isn’t gone, if it’s not cancer then
technically my prayers are still answered.
Needless to say, I was elated and
felt rather silly at how quickly I had lost hope over the weekend. She asked
what we wanted to do now. This was an excellent question... what now? We had
seen much improvement, but not a budge in other areas. Several other factors
come into play as well. Military members cycle through quickly, and she is due
to be reassigned this coming April. The head surgeon is wonderful! She is sweet
and personable while still professional. We have had a lengthy discussion on
how she is a woman of faith and a believer of miracles and fully supports a
patient’s right to choose, and she told me she would help me in any way she
could on this journey, and she has. We did our own thing for months and when I
came back and asked for tests, she ordered them and read them. She evaluates
and gives her feedback on the courses/treatments we attempt and always offers
to talk/meet with us and to offer whatever help she can.
I have a fear of who shall replace her. I have read blogs and
articles from others who have taken the holistic route, and their doctors turn
them out of the office, for legal or personal reasons, and say they don’t want
to see them again. This would be particularly bad for me as the base hospital
is our ONLY option for medical care while stationed here in Italy. I could
easily see someone looking at my records and saying that my situation needed to
be reevaluated. I feel the need to get everything figured and sorted out before
her departure in April.
So what has changed? We concluded that after Five months of
intensive treatments, although it would have been unlikely for the entire mass
to have dissipated, we feel that it should have changed/shrunk at least a teeny
bit. We had the concern that if we were to keep doing all that we were doing
and the results on the mass come back the same, “stable”, that there would be
no way to know if it was all that we were doing that was keeping it from
growing, or if it was something else entirely. So we have relaxed all of our
treatments a bit. I still take my herbal tea every morning, but I am taking
fewer supplements, less ozonated water, shorter spans of time spent in electro
therapy, and my diet now includes ALL vegetables, as well as all fruits and
limited intake of dairy and meat. Refined sugars, wheat, gluten, and anything
processed is still completely off limits. I don’t juice as often, but I have
been doing spinach smoothies in the mornings (and my little one loves them!)
In addition, we are attempting to figure out what reasons for
swollen lymph nodes might pertain to me, and what the mass could be if it is
not cancer and is something different. Our theory is that if we find other
things I have and treat them, and the lymph nodes go down, then it would
indicate that it was not cancer in the mass. As such, I email back and forth
with the surgeon and every once in awhile go in for blood tests that might help
indicate other conditions I could have that would also result in swollen lymph
nodes.
Thank you to everyone out there who has been so diligent with
your prayers and support! My family gets so much encouragement and help from
everyone and it makes a very positive difference. Thank you <3 We have two
months before the head surgeon is scheduled to move and be replaced with
someone else, if we could get this figured out by then that would be amazing!
Pray for that, if you would. I will do my best to keep you all posted!
P.S.
Also, if anyone has any clever ideas to give a surgeon/doctor as a thank you/going away gift, feel free to message me or post below!
